Coming to you live from "snowy" Northern Virginia, it's your first official Pearson dose of curling.
Before we get to the rocks and squeegees, I got an Olympic banned substance bone to pick.
What do both of these strapping lads have in common? You guessed it, they've both tested positive for Propecia, hair growth stimulant and performance enhancing drug masking agent. On the left, Canadian ("Hoser") goalie, Jose Theodore. On the right, American skeleton racer, Zach Lund. Theodore didn't actually make the Canadian hockey team, but was on the list of finalists and therefore tested. Lund had a shot at a medal this year, but thanks to his desire for a head of flowing locks, he has to head back home to Salt Lake City, Utah a nobody. Instead of a nobody with an Olympic medal.
Theodore's apparently been taking it for 8 years and Lund for 5 years. With Lund, I can seen he's got a bit of a Keifer Sutherland hairline, but friggin' Theodore should be a god-damn spokesman for Propecia if all that hair is a result of taking that crap. He says, "I'd recommend it to anybody." Hey, don't recommend it to potential Olympic athletes, knucklehead. Theodore has gone so far as to apply for a therapeutic use exemption last year with the NHL. If Propecia was so therapeutic, then Jose wouldn't be riding the pine in Montreal with a 4-9 record and a 4.06 GAA in the last month and a half. Hey Jose (by the way, how does a Canadian have a Mexican first name?), why don't you worry more about making saves then saving your hair.
Now, why would these guys be taking Propecia? Both of these guys play sports where they wear a helmet all the time. The obvious answer is getting laid. Zach Lund rides a piece of plastic, face first, at 80 mphs. Short of a shark attack or turning into a pirate, he's not gonna get much manlier. He's got probably the second most bad-ass sport on the planet (obviously next to Jai Alai), if he can't laid with that, then there's something wrong with the broads in this country. Then there's Jose Theodore. He's a Canadian goalie, playing for Montreal. These facts alone should give him the pick of any Canadian chick. Which as far as I know, the list of Canadian chicks consists of: Celine Dion, Shania Twain, Pam Anderson and Scott Thompson from Kids in the Hall. This list is pretty hit and miss, but Theodore should be able to get by.
The moral of the story: Hone your skills at spotting pedophiles.
On to the curling! Who know I had so much pent up angst towards athletes taking Propecia? So anyone new to the sport has to wonder, "Why all the sweeping?" For an answer, I turned to the best source of knowledge I could think of, FHM. In the March Issue (this issue also has Jenny McCarthy's sister; click here to hear Jenna Jameson talk about her and Jenny McCarthy having hot lesbian sex in Vegas... see if we wish hard enough, our dreams can come true! Anyway, back to the curling), Olympic curler Pete Fenson explains, "It's hard to get the stone to go 140 feet and stop in a one-foot circle. Moving the brooms back and forth briefly melts the ice, reducing friction and helping the rock go farther and straighter - as much as 15 extra feet." Of course, Petey goes on to say, "A sweeper needs endurance. He'll do up to 25 seconds of sweeping full blast." Easy buddy, last night I saw a guy ice skate 3.1 miles in 374 seconds. Maybe we shouldn't be tooting the "endurance" horn for curling.
So lets break down the upcoming curling action. The men's even kicks off at tomorrow at 9 am Turin(o) time. The whole schedule resembles the 17 month BASEketball playoffs, so I'm not gonna bother tring to figure this puppy out. I didn't want to bother researching players and/or quality of teams, so I figured I'd evaluate the countries based on your standard curling criteria: 1) Ability to drink B) Free time on your hands to chuck stones on a sheet of ice.
Here are the (men's) countries involved:
New Zealand
Sweden
Italy
Great Britain
Norway
USA
Finland
Switzerland
Germany
Canada
Finland
Countries we can knock out lack of drinking ability - Italy (too much wine, not enough beer and booze), Switzerland (probably no bar fighting in that neutral place), New Zealand (don't you guys have like 1 beer?)
Countries we can knock out for lack of stone throwing ability - Great Britain (have you seen Stone Henge?), USA (let's face it, its the winter Olympics and we didn't invent the sport, so we're gonna suck - Go men's halfpipe and ski moguls!)
Medal Contenders - Sweden, Norway, Germany, Canada, Finland
I'm gonna be rooting for my roots, the 3 crowns of Team Sweden, so that means they're not gonna win. So based on absolutely nothing here's my prediction
Gold - Norway
Silver - Finland
Bronze - Canada
So have some beers and enjoy some curling. I'll check in every so often with my analysis of what's going down in Turin(o).
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