X = awesome or hilarious phrase and/or picture.

Happy Valentine's Day (or night). What better time to put out a women's basketball article. This Saturday, our #24/21 ranked Syracuse women’s team will take on #16/17 Notre Dame in the Carrier Dome. For those of you not a former member of the Sour Sitrus Society Pep Band, it also happens to be alumni weekend for us. What does that mean, you ask? Well, it means that a bunch of professional women’s basketball hecklers will come out of retirement to come down and see the newly “good” team take on a dreaded Big East rival, all the while heckling the junk out of the Irish. While we are professionals with hours of game experience, you may want to join in a little heckling of your own. It is important, especially at women’s games because everyone can hear everything you say, to know what you are doing. Therefore, this guide should help you achieve your desired level of jerkitude. As a wise friend once said, you have to be smart to be an a-hole.

Method: Calling Players Fat, AKA “Who Wants A Pork Chop?”
Morality Meter: You have to bracket a lot of your moral standards to use this one properly.
How To: Simply call a player fat. Be creative and come up with a way to call players fat where they do not realize you called them fat until they think about it for a few seconds. The optimal time to use this method is when they are about to take their first free throw. Also, when they are running down the court and appear slightly winded is another. Also, anytime a player is wearing a UConn jersey.
Results: They no doubt will have their free throws affected. Also, there will be a general drop in self esteem.
Conclusion: If you are willing to go all out, this is the method for you. You will no doubt be labeled a jerk, but if that is simply par for the course for you, do you really care? This one is tried and true, so if you want to be “that guy”, then have at it Hoss.

Method: The Fake Date
Morality Meter: This one is not very offensive, so you can keep your high ground.
How To: Simply have a dialogue with a player about how you will take them out after the game. I usually like to use Faegan’s.
Results: This generally does not do much but further get you into a player’s head. It is more fun for you being asinine that really trying to distract.
Conclusion: This one is just a lot of fun. You basically are just belligerent for no reason. You are going to go to Faegan’s most likely after the game anyway, so why not make a hilarious story about how you want Dianna Taurasi to come too.

Method: I Saw The Sign
Morality Meter: It depends on how creative or offensive you want to make it.
How To: Simply think of a funny and/or awesome sign and then create it. Try to make it team or player specific for extra emphasis.
Results: Not only will you get in the player’s or coach’s heads, but you could even find your way on TV if it is being broadcast.
Conclusion: This allows even the most passive fan to publicly heckle, usually without even saying a word. My best example of this was we played UConn during the 2003-2004 season. I made a poster with Pat Summit’s head saying “I’m better than you”. I flashed this at Geno Auriemma as he excited the locker room before the game and he just about died laughing. After the game, his assistant coach said that the entire UConn staff had a good chuckle. Of course, this is still my favorite sign. Not my most hilarious, but still very true.

Method: Dribble, Pass, Shot
Morality Meter: Very low, this should not offend anyone. Not even the super sensitive athletic department.
How To: Simply pick a possession where the arena is fairly quiet, usually coming out of a time out or a substitution, and the other team is in bounding at their end. Then just say dribble when they dribble, pass when they pass, or shot when they shoot.
Results: This can really mess with a player’s confidence and rhythm.
Conclusion: This one is easy to do, and is a lot of fun as you get a whole group to participate. Just hope they miss the shot because if they make it, the home fans look like a bunch of jackasses.

Method: The Target
Morality Meter: Moderate to high, depending on how far you want to take it. Generally singling out a player by name will cause you to be moderately offensive.
How To: Pick a player, usually the star or best player on a team, and keep on riding them the entire game. Chant their name when they have the ball. Talk to them on in bounds. Pretty much keep on them at any point, especially if they are shooting a free throw or they miss an easy basket.
Results: Good players are good players, so they may still blow up for 25 points, or they may have an off night and your team rocks it. Usually the players are a bit rattled though. A good suggestion to hedge your bet is to pick the sixth player, the first off the bench. In case she forgets why she is not starting it is good to remind her by reciting her career stats if you can. Nothing annoys someone at the line quite like being told from the back row that "your free throw percentage just dropped below 62%." This requires a little research and preparation, but it is usually worth the effort. Dianna Taurasi and I have had some fun with this one in the past.
Conclusion: Despite the outcome, which can really help rattle a star player, or make a less that great player be even worse, it is simply a blast to do. Remember, you usually get out what you put in.

Method: Calling Players Ugly, AKA "Hurry Up, Ugly"
Morality Meter: This is not at all offensive if you are deaf. However, if you can hear it, it is pretty darn offensive. It is safe to say your Grandmother would not approve.
How To: Simply call a player ugly. You will nearly be tossed out of the game. I strongly recommend that you pick the hottest girl on the team to target so you can defend your action as blatant sarcasm. If you actually pick someone you would not sleep with after five car bombs, you risk getting beaten outside the Dome by all the away team's fans (who, in my day, used to outnumber the home fans).
Results: The “hot girl” on ‘Nova a few years ago only earned four points. This one is tried and true.
Conclusion: If you are willing to go all out, then clearly you are ready to implement this one. Plus, if you do not care what other people think about you, boom goes the dynamite.

Method: Whasername?
Morality Meter: This will not hurt your street cred with anyone normally, but it could get you in trouble if you pick a foreign name.
How To: Pick a player whose last name offers the most potential pronunciations. Now, try all of them out loud. Insert phrases like "Did they botch your birth certificate?" or "Can I buy a vowel?" If you decide it is time to get kicked out of the Dome, inquire to said player if "ICE knows you're here." This tactic usually works best during the quietest parts of the game, since your jokes require a good five to seven seconds and impeccable diction.
Results: You are pretty much just getting in the players head, or at least giving the home crowd something to chuckle about. Because you know everyone's thinking "Shricalarkasi? Hey, Johnny... who the hell is that?"
Conclusion: This one is pretty much just about being ridiculous. It is a lot of fun to see how terribly you can mispronounce the ladies’ names.

So there you have it. Your starter guide to starting stuff at a women’s game. Just remember to be creative, because no one likes an unfunny jerk. If you are a loyal reader of this blog, and decide to come out this Saturday, be sure to stop over and say hello. Perhaps we can team up and heckle the daylights out of the ladies from Notre Dame. Hat Tip and thanks to my former Sitrus partner in crime Jayme for helping me compile some of these tried and true heckling methods. He was the Mac to my Hak in heckling for many years, and for that I am grateful. Look for a complete weekend wrap up on Sunday or Monday, including postgame coverage from both the men’s and women’s basketball games, and some season opening lacrosse coverage. Until then, enjoy your heckling and be responsible. Wait… scratch that… enjoy being irresponsible.