There Used To Be Clocks Here

Buzz Beer?

There is nothing worse than having to slug down beers at 7:30 AM to get in the inebriated state necessary to watch the horror that is a noon Syracuse University kickoff.

Well, there is something worse – being stone-cold sober and voluntarily choosing to watch the tragic amalgamation of disappointment and frustration that is the current state of Syracuse University football.

While the combination of barley and hops is generally an essential aspect to the college football experience, merging it with the joy of wiping sleep from your eyes is a difficult concoction to swallow. Literally.

I have it on good authority (read: Jon Turner – Certified Beerologist) that Budweiser is playing the role of savior for all of us mid-morning hardcore boozehounds. By combining the volatile combination of caffeine and highly carbonated, but low quality, barley and hops, Budweiser has essentially created the equivalent to Drew Carey’s Buzz Beer.

I proudly present to you “Natty Up!”

Not only does Budweiser believe that the Natural series of lagers is the optimal foundation upon which to create a beer that makes you both depressed and hyperactive, it’s such a good idea that it should be marketed in mass quantities to the general population.

This may very well be the most important contribution to college football since the evolution of dance teams and the College GameDay live campus tour. Nothing can quite compare to the luxury of chugging only a fine American brewski instead of beer and cups upon cups of coffee. This beverage, in one glorious swoop, allows a man to drink a traditional male beverage without the maddening consequence of peeing every two and a half minutes as a result of trying to stay awake.

Hooray almost intolerable beer!

So put away those malted pieces of trash and get reacquainted with an old friend called fermented deliciousness. It’s time for everyone to come to their senses and realize that it’s a Natural world; we’re just living in it.

0 Responses to “Buzz Beer?”

Post a Comment


Text-Based Diarrehea