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Stuff That Steams My Clams

There are a lot of things that are really cool about college football. There are also a lot of things about the game that really stew my tomatoes. Most of it has nothing to do with the product on the field, but are so closely tied with the game itself that it is difficult to separate the two.

In no particular order, I’ve listed ten things that I feel tarnish the collegiate game.

1. Tim Brando
Two words describe this guy – abortion survivor.

There are very few people on television I believe have no business being there. Brando is one of them. Even if you can get past his SEC shilling and outright dismissal of the Big East Conference, there’s no way a sane human being can tolerate his short-bus influenced catchphrase – “fly in the ointment.”

What the hell is the ointment?
And the fly somehow upsets this ointment?

In a perfect world, the fly would be my fist and the ointment would be Brando’s face.

It’s really sad that this one guy ruins solid SEC afternoons on CBS.

2. Brent Musburger
Someone needs to reintroduce Musburger to cognizance, post-haste.

When your ability as a broadcaster has been reduced to a hardcore drinking game, it’s time to leave the booth and call it a career.

3. Tomahawk Chop
This has nothing to do with any political ideals I may or may not hold. This is all about the FSU band and their propensity for incessantly playing that damn Tomahawk Chop ditty over, and over, and over, and over, and over…

While we’re on the subject of infuriating songs, the USC band can stop playing that damn drone every time the Trojans snap the football. And to whoever is running the lion roar sound effect at Happy Valley, you’re also put on indefinite leave for pissing off everyone outside of State College.

4. The BYU Rule
This isn’t necessarily all about BYU, but they made it famous.

The BYU Rule is simple: if you’re from a non-BCS conference and manage to win 6 or so games in a row, you are required by law to start clamoring for a spot in the BCS national championship and claim that if you aren’t extended an invitation, that you will seek satisfaction in the fine courts of the United States.

My response to all these schools is simple: I don’t care.

5. NBC
NBC makes the YES Network look fair and balanced.

Every time I have to watch Notre Dame on NBC, I’m led to believe that the Fighting Irish have to drink Gatorade because Brady Quinn keeps turning the water into wine.

Notre Dame has never gotten beat on NBC; they simply didn’t win that day. I wish I could spin my life like that.

6. Weekday College Football Games
I have no tolerance for this nonsense.

When the game of football was passed down from the Mount of Pigskin, the disciples of the gridiron were given the following three Commandments to follow exclusively with the penalty of internet condemnation as a consequence of breach:

I. Thou shall watch parents live vicariously through their football playing high school children on Friday evenings;
II. Thou shall watch colleges eschew their institutional pursuit of education by playing football on Saturday afternoons; and
III. Thou shall watch current and future substance abusers beat each other to a pulp on the football gridiron Sunday afternoons.

If a university’s football program has to play home games on a weekday night, they should be prepared for an eternity of college football purgatory as a consequence for their sins.

7. Pointless Out-of-Conference Games
If I want to watch a 1-AA team lace ‘em up, I’ll drive the 15 minutes down the road to watch Yale lose to whoever happens to be on the schedule that day.

There is no point in watching Kansas State shellac a 1-AA program that has 11 guys that play like the retarded kid from Radio.

Granted, you may be saying to yourself, “what about when the 1-AA club wins, like Rutgers losing to New Hampshire last year?”

So what. Rutgers sucks.

If you have a 1-A designation, you should play a 1-A schedule. It’s that simple. I don’t give a damn about how tough a conference schedule is or the need to schedule a guaranteed home game. Playing a lower division opponent does nothing for the game of college football, especially from a fan’s perspective.

8. Beano Cook
Army hasn’t been relevant for 60 years, and neither has Beano.

Half the time I can’t understand what the hell Beano is saying because he sounds like he’s talking with a medieval times-style turkey leg hanging from his jowls. The other half of the time he’s talking about things that either a) are no longer relevant; or b) only existed in the alternative reality that is Beano’s imagination.

9. JoePa Badgering Referees
Apparently, when you are issued an AARP card you are given a license to physically abuse people in black and white stripes.

It’s actually pretty cool watching JoePa on the sidelines on any given Saturday. You get to see the circle of life in action.

When we’re born, we’re docile little creatures that live only on the dependence of others. Then we start demanding independence through crankiness in an effort to control our own destiny. Then we mature and continue to do so until we peak. Then we get cranky in an effort to control our own destiny. Then we become docile little creatures that live only on the dependence of others.

Good news, Joe. Only one more stop to go. If I were you, I’d start shopping for a plot somewhere near where they buried your coaching career.

10. Boosters
You’re ruining football. Stop.

Well, I should probably clarify that a little. If you’re not a sanctioned booster operating within the framework of the NCAA rulebook, then you should stop ruining football. I have no tolerance for these jerks that are paying players and tarnishing the integrity of amateur athletics.
If you don’t stop, I’ll turn JoePa loose on you.

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