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Mine Eyes Have Seen the Glory!

International law dictates that when you win a bronze medal in curling,
you must look like you overdosed on stupid pills.

Great Britain v. These Colors Don't Run

Normally, I’d treat a bronze medal the same way I deal with children: incessantly deride until I feel as if my awesomeness has been adequately achieved. But when your country has never won a medal in the world’s greatest anti-sport - curling - it’s time to celebrate . . . Bemidji-style!

I’m not exactly sure what Bemidji-style celebration entails. I’m assuming that it involves layers upon layers of clothing and probably a moose or twelve. But really, that’s the least important thing right now. What is important is that the United States is the “New Curling Nation” and all the suckers that doubted Pizza Pete Fenson have pie all over their face (horrifically terrible pun intended).

Buoyed by a strong three-point third end, Pete Fenson’s crew managed to stave off a furious Great Britain surge down the stretch to secure the United States’ first ever medal in curling. It was utter domination for the Americans, as they continually managed to move British stones out of the way, paving the way for victory. When the final stone was thrown, the Americans led their opponents in take-outs 52-22, converting on a 92% to 82% rate.

Now that’s good curling, motherfucker!
With Britain’s loss, the United States now leads the Honky Homeland in “Contests Matt Glaude Cares About” 4-0. For everyone interested, those four victories are:
  • The 2006 Winter Olympics Men’s Curling Bronze Medal Game;
  • The 2006 Winter Olympics Men’s Curling Pool Play Game;
  • The Revolutionary War; and
  • Advancements in Dental Care.
So, suck on that, Tony Blair.

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