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Sexton the Shepherd

How about "Wyatt Sexton for Omnipotent Leader of the Human Race"?

While running some numbers on Syracuse's 2004 offensive efficiency, I came across one of the greatest knucklehead stories in the last decade. In a word, it's "freakin' awesome."


Tallahassee Police Department Incident Report.

Screw President, Wyatt. You've got bigger things in your future, or at least that's what I read in a little book called The Holy Bible. You may have read it before, considering you inspired its publication.

Florida State Sports Information Director Rob Wilson noted in a release that "most of us have known Wyatt since he was born and our concern is for him right now." He later stated that "it'll all be gravy, since we all know God can heal the sick."

This story further proves Darwin's theory of natural selection - people who listen to Dave Matthews Band should be murdered. And if Wyatt Sexton really is God, which I have no reason to believe he isn't, I think we'll need to think about a recharacterization of the whole "Intelligent Design" theory.

This raises an important question concerning why Heaven's radios haven't played any new music since 1998. Seriously, I thought Dave Matthews Band had been permanently relegated to appearing on those crappy VH1 "I Love the ..." shows.

On a football related note, if Sexton really is the Son of God, he has his hardest resurrection lying ahead of him - his football career. Last season, Sexton wasn't consistent enough to play his way ahead of the enigmatic Chris Rix. During spring camp, Sexton was only awarded the starting job because he had what FSU's very young, but very talented passers didn't - experience. With all this in mind, it would be a safe bet to believe that this suspension will have a significant impact on who Bobby Bowden entrusts with running the offensive system he rubberstamps.

Plus, Wyatt will have the unenviable task of getting adjusted to wearing a crown of thorns under his helmet.

2 Responses to “Sexton the Shepherd”

  1. # Anonymous Anonymous

    How dare you blaspheme Jesus Christ and the good book? Jesus Christ's life and crucifixion is nothing to lampoon, especially since he died for your sins.

    It's people like you - dirty Northeastern liberals - who are ruining this country. Why don't you move to Canada and chart the offensive efficiency of teams in the Quebec Junior Hockey League?

    I hope Wyatt Sexton clobbers Syracuse this season just to teach you a lesson. You should be ashamed.  

  2. # Blogger Matt Glaude

    For the record:

    1. This is possibly the dumbest comment I've ever seen. Bar none.

    It's really a human travesty and provides further scientific proof that abortion survivors should not be given internet access.

    2. Let's play a little "right/wrong" -

    I live in the Northeast: Right!
    I'm a liberal: Wrong!
    I'm ruining this country: I'd like to think that all Americans are doing their part to ruin this country.

    3. I could understand if you were angry that I wrote bad jokes. However, I cannot tolerate anger that is derived from the joke premises themselves.

    4. I hope Wyatt Sexton smotes you.

    5. Florida State beating Syracuse on the gridiron is going to teach me a religious lesson in ethical philosophy?

    So what you're basically saying is that if Isreal beats Egypt in a soccer match, millions of Egyptians learn a lesson about the 2,000 years they enslaved the Jews.

    Yeah, I can see that.

    6. First of all, it's Quebec Major Junior Hockey League.

    Second, I think you need more bleach in your diet.  

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